Do you know how many houses in our neighbourhood were closed and dark instead of lit up with pumpkins and handing out candy to our merry little trick or treaters?  How many people bought tickets and drove into the city to watch the Phillies lose to the Yankees in the rain instead of staying home to participate in neighbourhood comradery?

I don’t blame the neighbours entirely.  How can I expect them all to prioritize their lives with anything beyond their usual selfish shortsightedness?  But I am truly disappointed in a Major League Baseball team that would place their stupid trophy ahead of a childhood memory.  And don’t tell me that a second World Series championship in Philadelphia is a great childhood memory.  One:  it was game 3, no one was going to win anything on that specific evening.  Two:  it was a night game.  There weren’t more than a dozen kids at that game.  Three:  they fucking lost!  There was no reason on god’s green earth that the game couldn’t have waited until Sunday.

So it rained.  Vaughan was a ninja and he assured me that ninjas don’t mind the rain.  His father was a Jedi and, apparently, a Jedi can will the rain off his body or something.  I was a cat.  a cat with an umbrella.  The only forward-thinking creature in our threesome because cats don’t like to get wet.  We trick-or-treated through the drizzle.  We trick-or-treated through the showers.  We covered about two blocks before the downpour conquered our desire for free candy and forced us indoors.  We made out better than you might expect.  Most folks figured that the rain would lighten their candy traffic so they tended to hand out extras to those of us who did show up.

Happy November 2 everyone.

Last week the Nobel prize people gave an award to President Obama.

Why?

What has he done?

The answer is nothing.  He gives a good speech and he has a lot of lofty ideas.  I mean it.  I love universal health care.  I think it would be fabulous if he managed to get through the thick American skull that the life in ‘life, liberty and pursuit of happiness’ includes health.  But he hasn’t actually done that yet.  I think it would be better than awesome if he brings home all the American troops currently wasting their time in Iraq.  I know he has a plan in place.  But he hasn’t actually done that yet.  Seriously, if he does even half of what he talks about, then he would probably deserve a Nobel Peace prize - but, that’s my point - IF.  He hasn’t done it yet!  How are you going to give a guy a prize for talking about good shit?  I don’t want to suspect that a black man got a prize for getting elected president in the U.S.  If that is really the case, then shouldn’t the U.S. as a whole get the Nobel Peace prize for actually (and here’s that word again) doing the electing?

So this evening, I read an article about a stupid Halloween costume that has created a huge political stir in Miami.  It’s a space alien wearing a orange prison-type jumpsuit with the words ‘illegal alien’ emblazoned across the front.  It comes with its own green card, which I immediately observed would technically legalize our little alien, but I guess that irony is lost on the target market for the most part.  Anyway, some college professor who clearly needs to get out of his library once in awhile explains to us common masses how this costume perpetuates some idea about foreigners being strange, scary criminals and that the green card actually exacerbates the issue by illustrating how they remain scary and strange even when in possession of legal documents.  Besides that, the orange jumpsuit is similar to those worn by immigrants being held in detention centres while waiting for their fates to be judged and this, he insists evokes many painful memories. 

As an upstanding example of fair and balanced reporting, our story chooses William Gheen to represent the pro-costume side.  He is the head of North Carolina’s chapter of Americans for Legal Immigration and he thinks any attempt to have the custumes pulled amounts to an attack on free speech.  He urges us all to purchase the costume in protest.  He also, the reporter tells us, you know, just incidently, has publicly announced that Latin Americans are perpetuating a Tuberculosis epidemic in the U.S. although, our faithful reporter observes, government data suggests that incidences of the disease are at an all time low.

So hard-working, long-suffering legal immigrants are offended by it and half-baked, insensitive conservatives support the costume.

Not to inject any much-needed logic into this debate, but might I just point out that it’s A FUCKING COSTUME…!!??  Golly folks.  What happened to our senses of humour?

I’ll tell you what:  if Obama can broker peace over the illegal alien costume, I’ll accept that he has earned a Nobel Peace prize.

Happy October 20 everyon. 

I love going from shorts to sweaters overnight.  Yay Philly weather!  It’s too hot or it’s too cold.  It’s a drought or it’s a flood.  Who needs moderation?  Not me!

I love being called at 8pm on a weeknight by someone asking me for money. 

I love paying $4 for an assignment book and $5 for the home and school association and $6 for a listing in and a copy of some school contact book after spending about fifty bucks on a list of school supplies that includes a box of kleenex and a container of hand sanitizer as a mandatory donation to the teacher. Oooo…and if I could also get a list of musical instruments for which the school is going to offer lessons, but is not going to offer actual rentals of for the school year..that would be awesome!  Pretty please?

I love all the ignorance about universal healthcare going around right now.  My favourite story so far is that Obama is going to encourage ‘end-of-life counselling’ for everyone over the age of 60 requiring any major sort of medical care.  First of all, I love how people instantly believe and start passing along the most outrageously ridiculous information if it can distort the public conversation even a little bit.  What is end-of-life counselling?  I think it sounds great!

..and yes, I know the date.  I love holding annual memorial ceremonies long past any sort of meaningful remembrance!  We should start holding an annual memorial ceremony for the tragic burning of the White House back in 1812.  Everytime I think of those horrible soldiers eating the meal that Dolly Madison had to abandon in order for her to save the big painting of Washington from looters…my blood just boils.

Happy September 11 everyone.

Oh!  I almost forgot..and that’s because it was daytime and I couldn’t hear it, but I really love construction on 611.  Yeehaw!  The beep, beep, beep of big machines in reverse and bright lights so loud men with foul mouths can work at night.  You know you are all just green with envy right now!

So I’m driving along, thinking, oh look, a fellow Pagan, except that I’m sorry she is specifically identifying herself as Wiccan.  I’m thinking that the one bumper sticker makes her look foolish and the other makes her too confrontational.  The only thing I dislike more than a pushy, preachy Christian is a pushy, preachy Pagan.  So as I am contemplating the faults and virtues of the new age movement, damned if the Wiccan driver in front of me doesn’t toss a cigarette butt out of her window!

Now I am not a big fan of dogma, but, if the Pagan religions have any common theme that ties them together, it is a respect for the earth.  How is a true Pagan going to inhale noxious chemicals and then blow them out into the atmosphere, much less throwing litter on the ground?  The pure ignorant hypocrisy of that single act kinda makes me hate people even more.

Happy September 3 everyone.

Because I believe that people should be free to live as they please in accordance with basic laws, a lot of folks assume that I am liberal.  I’m not.  In fact, I am libertarian.  They’re different.   Trust me.  Although I make a few exceptions, I don’t believe that it is generally the government’s job to either support my lifestyle or regulate it.  And that is a point at which most democrats and I part ways.

So, as I was saying, I don’t like NPR for the most part.  It’s biased, bleeding heart tends to stain my rugs and I find most of the regulars to be rather patronizing and condescending and pretentious.  That Terri Gross woman asks some of the most torturously inane questions I’ve ever heard.

I wake up to that stuff.  I’m tired and grumpy and still a little groggy, and I’m listening to someone talking about how little press time is being dedicated to important topics like Iraq and Afghanistan (or, let’s be serious for a moment, really any topic of any real international importance.)  They were comparing the coverage of boring ol’ Iraq with that of, say Michael Jackson’s death.  Someone was trying to make the point that trivial shit like Michael Jackson maybe being murdered distracted the American public from things like the failed hunt for Osama bin Laden.  And I’m laying there in bed, contemplating dragging my ass to the shower, when it occurs to me that Michael Jackson’s death is really very convenient for bin Laden.  And I turn to my husband, who is similarly laying in bed, but not even contemplating getting up yet (in fact, he may actually be snoring,) and I cry:

“Ohmigod!  Osama bin Laden killed Michael Jackson!”

Tom’s been married to me for a long time.  Eleven years, in fact.  So he just grunts in a vaguely affirmative way and rolls over.  But I really think I’m on to something here.

Happy August 25 everyone.

I know it sounds like it should just go without saying, but apparently, not.

Three guys have been arrested after they posted a video on Youtube showing themselves having a grand ol’ time shooting ducks (and baby ducks) on a little pond in a small town in Saskatchewan.  I’m not talking about teenage boys who are inherently stupid and cruel.  The oldest was 30 years old - along with his 23-year-old brother and their brother-in-law.  They were caught after a maelstrom of pissed off hunters and animal lovers reported them to the wildlife authorities upon viewing their video. 

It turns out, according to the one guy who has evolved enough to speak anyway, that, although they laugh like fools on the video, such apparent bloodlust is not characteristic of them.  They have pets and children and of course orphaned ducklings are not funny at all, and they are very sorry, but they are from a big city so they didn’t know it was illegal to just shoot ducks out of season whilst hanging out their car window and they are very sorry…

So, I hate these guys on so many levels that it’s hard to know where to start.

First of all, the good people of Saskatchewan already have a low opinion of city people in general and Toronto people in particular.  We don’t need idiots blaming their stupidity on their city-ness.  The guy said that the only birds they’ve ever seen up close are seagulls and pigeons.  Really?  Because I grew up near Toronto and I happen to know that there are ducks there too.  It’s right on Lake Ontario for crissakes! 

But, setting that aside, I still have to ask — so what?  I’ve never seen a duck up close so my first instinct is to start shooting them and laugh?  What sort of explanation is that?

And secondly, what sort of person shoots unsuspecting mothers and children and laughs about it?  I admit that I don’t understand hunting as a sport anyway.  I’m not sure what is fun about taking a life that you don’t have to take after stacking the odds heavily in your own favour.  Even hunting advocates are mad at these guys because, one, hunting out of season is called poaching and it’s very illegal, and, two, they do not exactly advance the cause for hunters, do they?  In fact, secretly, they personify what hypocritical meat-eaters, such as myself, who do not like hunting believe that all hunters are really like.  You can almost be impressed by how three guys managed to offend two diametrically opposed parties with a single stupid act!

Happy August 10 everyone.

Ok.  I watched the stupid video.  He did not eat the wafer and it’s absurd and insulting for his aides to stand there on camera and tell us that he did eat the wafer.  His hand never goes near his mouth for crying out loud.  I’ve always suspected that Stephen Harper wasn’t quite human, and I’ve often suggested that his brain is located about three feet lower than everyone else’s, but I’ve generally assumed that he ate with his mouth which sits rather ostentatiously on the front of his face.  So, unless he has another mouth hidden in his pants (and we are treading dangerously into a vision that no one wants to carry around in their heads here!) he did NOT eat the goddamned wafer!

For my American friends and allies who have no clue about what I speak:  Canada’s Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, who is a Protestant by claim, attended a Catholic funeral recently and, although he presented himself for Communion and he accepted the host from the priest, he did not eat it as the ceremony calls for; rather he suddenly became a magician and the wafer disappeared.  Unfotunately, the funeral was a televised event (for a former Governor-General in fact,) and soon the whole world wide web was wondering where the wafer had gone.  Devout Catholics, never really known for their generous senses of humour, are offended and the rest of us shake our lowered heads with shame.

I don’t even care what he did with the morsel entrusted to him by the priest.  Please, he palmed the damned thing and then tossed it in a nearby trashcan.  Maybe he pocketed it for a little Jesus snack later in the afternoon.  Seriously, who cares?  As much as I hate Stephen Harper, I don’t honestly believe that he intended to mistreat the body of Christ.  He probably didn’t know what the fuck he was doing or what was expected of him or even what options he had.  That pretty much sums up Canada’s Prime Minister.  Let’s face it:  if you’re not Catholic, you’re not likely to know the intricacies of the Catholic Mass.  He didn’t want to partake of the transubstantiation, but he didn’t know that he could bow his head for a simple blessing rather than take the wafer.

My problem is simply that the standards are higher for heads of state.  If you’re going to a Catholic funeral and you don’t know what is going to happen - find the fuck out before you go!  Ask one of the eight million aides around you, read a book, google it for chrissakes.  On second thought, don’t bother asking any of your aides.  They are clearly lying fucks.

Happy July 9 everyone.

A guy in Pennsauken, NJ was on his second week of a new job at Cocoa Services factory, in which he fed solid chocolate into a giant melting vat, when he fell into the vat.  He was fatally injured by one of the agitators before anyone could shut the machinery down.  Firefighters had to remove his body from the vat and he was pronounced dead at the scene.

Setting aside the tragedy of wasted chocolate…

Inevitably, the family is adamant that their kinsmen was not a careless man and are perplexed over how such an accident could have occurred given the improbability of falling into a giant vat from 9 feet above it in an industrial setting.

Does anyone else smell litigation?

What an absurd thing to say:  he’s a very careful person, I don’t understand how he could trip and fall.

The answer is to die suddenly from a relatively inoccuous-sounding cause, most likely brought about by drug use of which no one else was aware until after you die and then everyone can say how much sense everything makes after the fact.

He was, as every single news station is now reporting, a heartbreakingly talented, ground-breaking artist.  I just can’t stomach the way the very same reporters who covered the child molesting stories with such obvious relish are now pretending to such respect and mourning.  I understand that people like to feel like they are a part of something, but I’ve never had any respect for people who congregate at hospitals and such to ‘mourn’ someone they never knew, much less understood in any way whatsoever.  I mean, come on, I loved him in the eighties too.  I saw him live during the Victory Tour at the height of his career.  I wore the glove.  I even have all the songs on my mp3 player now.  But the man was a freak.  Whether or not he was a kiddie-diddler, he had some really serious psychological issues without any of the common sense to deal with them in private like the rest of us.  The last couple of decades of his life were bizarre and sad.  The only real tragedy here is in the fact that he didn’t die sooner so he could have retained some shred of his dignity in the public memory.

So let’s not sit around his star on the Walk of Fame and gloss over twenty years by saying that although his life had been overshadowed of late with scandals and legal trouble, he will be sorely missed.  I’m sure his family and friends will miss him, but most of us won’t even notice once the media finds something juicier to suck on.

Happy June 25 everyone.

Just to be clear, I was slowing down to allow other cars to merge so that traffic would continue moving smoothly and we could all get home expeditiously.  To further clarify the situation, the light just a few hundred feet ahead of us was turning red and we were all going to be stopped anyway.  But, even if none of that were so, in the future, please don’t assume that we are all inconsiderate, self-important assholes.  In fact, I had more to lose by letting those drivers into the line of traffic ahead of me since my destination was only about a dozen or so feet ahead and I could literally have been home five minutes sooner had I not let anyone ahead of me.   It’s not about the five minutes.  There is no front of the line at rush hour for crissakes.  I understand firsthand the difficulties in merging in the Philadelphia suburbs and I believe that we reap what we sow (or do unto others, or karma and the threefold rule…choose your proverb) and I’m going to do anything I can to make my own travels easier.  And if I’m right, your karmic return is going to be a bitch.  Have fun with that!

Happy June 23 everyone.